An Update

Hey internet, a new post is here! Tomorrow, it will be here. It's coming. And I just want to say that I missed you, I love you long time, and I hope you're ready for more readin'. Oh, someone's at the door. Maybe it's common sense. Nope. That died a long time ago =).

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

But to keep you entertained. I bring you music:

If You Read All of This, You Gain Great Wisdom (and the ability to fly)!!

This post is going to be long, but the story must be told. Women are the DEVIL ;P

Earlier today, when I was going through my stuff, I found notes. Notes that I wrote to a girl, a specific girl, so I figured I would tell you guys the story of my very first crush. The first girl I had a really big crush on. Just to give you guys a little insight on who I was and how I've changed, basically.

So there was this girl that I had a crush on back in 8th grade. I'm not going to give her name. I had the hugest, biggest crush on this girl ever. Ever, ever, ever. It was kinda creepy. I mean I didn't stalk her, or anything like that, of course, but I'm just saying crushes in general are kinda creepy, so if you have a crush on anyone, you could be creepy. But the me of 8th grade is no where near the me of now.

In 8th grade, I didn't really have any friends, I had this goofy looking hairstyle, very nerdy, just kind of kept to myself and played video games. But I didn't "fall in love" with this girl because of her physical appearance or anything like that, I mean she was cute, but she just seemed so nice. She was always laughing and making people laugh and stuff, so I thought she was awesome.

So I wrote her a poem. See, I know. Creepy right? So I write her poetry, and I've never met this girl before. Now, in this poem I completely creep out. You know, "you are the sweetest fruit on the tree and I would love to pick you, omg, you're the loveliest thing I've ever seen. Blahblahblah." It was actually way better than that. It was actually a really good poem that if she would've known me, you know, who I was then it would've been okay. Yeah, she didn't, so it was creepy.

I got a letter back from this girl. And this is the first of many. I was fourteen or fifteen? I want to say I was like fourteen. I don't feel like doing addition and what not in my head. But this is the first note:
"Hey Cameron, I have no idea who you are. I'm going to have to say no because I have a boyfriend...." By the way, I didn't mention this, but I totally asked this girl to go out with me, and I've never even talked to her before. "...and you are too young." She was a sophomore, so at the very most she was 16 and I was like 14. Because when you are in middle/high school its your grade that matters, not your age. She was a sophomore and I was an eighth grader, that just wasn't happening. "And I don't know who you are. I'm really sorry. We can be friends though. You just have to make yourself known because I have no idea who you are. I hope this note isn't a prank because if it is, I'm going to be mad. I don't get notes like this often. It just seems a little strange. Well, I gotta go. Bye! Love, ______"

She was so right. I was a creepy little bugger. I was the kid that wore really baggy black pants, and kept my CD player in my pants and just sat around and listened to stuff like Korn. Yeah, I was that kid. Now I hadn't wrote her back, but the next day I got another letter, and it was a poem. So I was like, "Oh, what's this?" And it was really mean. It was like a horrible poem where she was like, "you're a loser and blah blah blah." It was just really bad. It made me feel like a retard basically. So I sent her a note back that just said, you know, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being creepy. I couldn't help it, I just thought you were really cute and I would like to get to know you blah blah blah." I think. I don't know, it could've been creepier than that. I was a creepy little retard.

I don't even know why I kept these. Is it creepy that I kept these notes? I mean, I don't think it is because it is the very first girl that I really ever had a crush on, and she sent me a note. It was like a big part of my life. The very first crush. The very first love. The very first kiss. It goes on and on. But yeah, I kept them because I'm creepy like that I guess. This note:

"Hey Cameron, my friends wrote that last note. I am a poet myself. I have two poems published already. Yes, I am 16. My birthday is March 25. Sorry your friend _____ doesn't have a chance with ______." All right, let me explain this. My friend was another one of those "let's wear baggy jeans and put our CD players in here and listen to Korn" kids and the other girl was my crush's friend. So we wrote these notes at the same time... Yup. Downright creepy. "She is a little freaked out by the whole situation. It is making her uncomfortable. Sorry if the first note was rude, I didn't mean for it to be. I guess I was just a little shocked because someone I didn't even know could feel that way about me. Don't be upset with me because I let everyone read your poem. They thought you were a great writer. So do I. Sorry this note is so sloppy, I am writing it on the stupid bus. Well, I'm about to get off. Write back whenever you like. P.S. What's so great about me anyways? Love, ______"

Now by this point, I'm freaking out because I'm like, "wow! This girl has replied to me twice and I totally have a crush on her!" Yeah, I was very retarded. But the potential that someone I had a crush on wants to continue the conversation with me. So I sent her one back, now I don't have the ones I sent her of course because I sent them to her. It was the "slip them through the locker" type deal. So sad, I was a loser. =) So, this is the first point in my life where I needed a change because everyone thought I was a weirdo with no friends, or that I was gay. I really wanted to stick out, so this girl would like me and talk to me and stuff. So, drastic change. Total attire change, shorter hair, and I believe this is when I got glasses. Had to make myself "attractive." I was no longer going to be the nerdy kid that had no friends. I was going to try to "sex my self up" so this girl would like me. And it worked. All her notes got longer after everything. If anyone has ever told you that appearance and crap doesn't matter, they are either really ugly or really, really hot. Cause most of that crap come from people that are attractive. You know, most of that crap comes from people that are attractive like, "hey, I'm a super model. Don't you worry, appearance doesn't matter." Apparently it does because all of the sudden I'm getting a page long stuff with tiny letters and stuff. So I'm going to read this note now:

"I'm about to go to bed. I just got back from the drive-in. It was great haha. By the way, you don't need to be shy around me. I don't bite... hard haha. I'm pretty nice and easy to talk to I guess. I love to make people laugh. I make _____ laugh all the time. I haven't known her long, she just moved from Bradshaw. I got to her house a lot. People make me angry when they make up rumors about her. This may be off topic, but I still don't understand why you like me so much. There are so many other great girls at this school, and a lot prettier too. Oh well, I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Your hair looks great by the way. I hardly recognized you. Yes, I like Korn. I like rock. Stuff like Eagles, Kiss, Three Doors Down. I just bought their CD. It's awesome. I love their song 'Here Without You.' Feel free to talk to me anytime you like. If you have a problem, just come to me. I'm a great listener and I give good advice. Yes, a new nickname for you would be nice. I thought blue would be great because you have beautiful blue eyes. Well, I must get in bed. I'm so sleepy. Good night. P.S. If you would like my phone number just ask me for it. Unless your shy. LOL" Hahaha....

That's all from that change. I asked her for her phone number then I talked to her almost every night. Basically every single night. This went on for about two or three weeks and I thought she was awesome. And I thought, "Oh wow, I was getting somewhere." And then one day, I called her house and a guy answered. At the time I knew she had a boyfriend still. Why am I such a dick? I'm a dick. "This chick has a boyfriend, I'm going to keep talking to her. The heart wants what the heart wants hurhurhur." But yeah, a guy answered and this is basically how the conversation went:

Me: "Is ____ there?"
Him: Yeah. 
Me: "Can I talk to her?"
Him: No.
Me: "Um... okay, will you tell her Cameron called?"
Him: No.
Me: "Oh, all right." So I hung up.

And she was really weird around me that next day. And we basically had a falling out after that. I was all like, "hey, uhh what's the deal with this and blahblahblah." I don't know. She never really told me. We never really talked about it I guess. But it was like her boyfriend or something like that. I don't know. I really don't know. That was basically my first crush experience. I liked the girl. I changed myself for the girl. That's why a lot of guys will never change themselves again. Most guys are willing to change the first time, and if that doesn't work out, we say forget it. "We are who we are." A lot of girls wonder why guys are dicks, we're usually not. We usually all start out good guys. We usually all start out "the guy that wants the girl and will do anything for the girl and would never ever do her wrong." And then that girl screws over that guy and then the guy becomes the dick.

I'm kind of that way now. I don't really mean to be, but I'm definitely not the same kid I was from middle school or high school because of that experience. Because of the fact that when I liked somebody or whatever it just went to crap. It changed me. It changed who I was as "a man."  And it changed who I am now. I was like a closet nerd, and when you're in high school, things are different. It was hard to find someone who likes video games, and likes my kind of music, and all the stuff like that. Those are all the things that my close friends knew, that I was a hardcore nerd. Other than that I was just Cameron, the funny guy, the comedian. I don't think it was until my senior year that I really let people know that I was a dork. I had a giant transformation. I didn't drop my old friends. I've never been that type of guy to drop my old friends for new friends. I've always had the same group of friends and I've just added on to that. Who I was as a person changed.

But yeah, that was my awesome experience. Let me know if you've had any awesome experiences like that. Let me know if they changed you. I mean, of course, I know everything is not like that where the girls always screw over the guys. Maybe you were the girl that did everything for the guy and he screwed you over. Let me know in the comments or whatever. Let me know if there was some "traumatic" experience that changed you into the person you are or that began your journey into a different person. That's pretty much mine. That's pretty much every failure I've had with a girl, I've changed. I think I build myself around the fact that when a girl dumps me or a girl breaks my heart, I want to make myself so awesome that one day, she'll look back and just say, "I messed up. That was Cameron Parks. That was Geoffrey Cameron Parks. He is an BAMF now. Look at him with all his money and all his fame. Look at him with his million-dollar car and million-dollar car and million-dollar dick." I don't know. That's what I build myself around now because I want people to see me one day and honestly be like, "I messed up. I should've been nicer to him." Or, "I shouldn't have broken his heart."

But, I hope you all have an awesome week and hopefully by the next time I write, it will be a little shorter and a little more thought provoking. But in all seriousness let me know what experiences you've had that have changed you.

Sit tight and a new post will be up before you know it. In the mean time enjoy this song:

Grades, Education, and Possibly Some Motivation (Whateva')

EDIT: I've had a few complaints about the fluidity of this post, and believe me I've read it too. It is choppy for one main reason - it's cleaned up. The original was a harsh read as far as language and words, so I opted for rapids rather than a stream. Sorry. If you want the "Parental Advisory" post, let me know. If enough people want it, I will deliver, OR I can just send it to the individuals that want it. Keep in mind that all posts up to now have an uncensored version so you can ask for those too. Much love.

Who is your inspiration, like, how gives you more inspiration than anyone else? Now before I answer that, I want you to take a second, minute, hour and answer that for yourself.

Now my answer to who inspires me, of course the obvious ones, there are people like my mom or people who overcome things. It bothers me when people say, "Oh yeah, well my inspiration, my idol is Lebron James." Lebron James is 18 feet tall, if he could not dunk a ball over someone's head, he should be shot in the face like a horse who has a limp. But if there's one, specific person who inspires me, it's myself for overcoming myself every day. I am the most self-destructive person on the planet. =)

But honestly, there are two main inspirations in my life. You know, the thing that kept me kinda diggin' the whole knowledge thing. You know, growing up in middle school and high school, I never really got the attention of girls. It didn't really happen until the beginning of college when I sorta' came out of my social shell. That and when I lost so much weight part way into high school cause I was a huge when I was little. During the high school, I was just this skinny kid without a personality. Yeah, still working on that whole personality thing. Which if you're a girl you know that a fit dude with a fat guy personality is just amazing. Same thing for the guys when you find a pretty girl with a personality, you're saying, "What happened to you!? Are you from the future!? Bring me to your magical time machine!" Because, obviously, hot girls in the future have gotten hotter and what they see as ugly is still a 10 in our books. And all of the sudden it's just like, "omg, girls like me?", the guys are like, "your cool...dude, man." This was three months ago, the slang was completely different back then,  you know broheme? People like me for being me? What is wrong with this world!?

And of course there's just the opposite spectrum of just hate. Haters, haters. Not even just people from the interwebs, just people who are just mean and rude and you're just like, "dude, I'm going to be so much better than you so I can look back at you and just be like, 'what a schmuck.'" Is it petty and mean-spirited, yes. And probably makes me a very bad person, but there's nothing like winning at life. You want to get inspired? Get angry. Someone calls you fat: lose that weight and then do something crazy (I cleaned that up... a bunch, be happy). Thus you win. Check mate. And as you can probably tell, anger has always been my biggest inspiration. Though, most of it has not been as evil. Or of hearing, "no you can't," all the time and then doing it. Really how can you change without a little destruction in the first place?

Now, what I think really matters, as far as motivation in education, is that kids are doing things that they are interested in, that they are tapping that drive to do stuff because it's fascinating, just tapping that curiosity. And just encouraging a sense of rigor that comes from the internal desire to master what they love not because it pays $x, or it gets you y, but because they understand how it all fits together. That kids are motivated by the joy of learning itself. Those are the things that, I think, the very best educators have been fighting for, but the trouble if that they've been fighting in a system that, often, suffocates that.

The purpose of grades is a form of feedback. The reason we want it to be that is because we want to know how we are doing, and the reason we want to know how we are doing is because we want to get better at what we are doing. But I think that point has been lost. That is, we often see grades as the goal, grades are the whole point of why you're doing what you're doing. And what that does, there has been research on this and it has been pretty clear, is that it allows to "perform" very well in the short-term, but it doesn't lead to any kind of enduring learning and leads to less profound kinds of learning. I don't have a single answer here. I don't know if the answer is eliminating grades, that seems to be a bit radical, but maybe that is the solution. But I think, getting back to first principles, they're a great form of feedback, it's getting kids involved in the process, yet in someways it is down-playing their significance. When I was in high-school school, I could've gotten very good grades. Not because I was learning anything, but because I knew the way to get good grades was to give the authority figure what he or she wanted it on time and neatly. It fosters a sense of compliance rather than engagement and it really short-changes kids over the long-haul.

But, of course, if you have any questions for me, just send them as a comment or look me up on facebook.

Update Soon!

At some point within the next day or two another blog will be up! I want to thank everyone for their support, and I plan to keep delivering. Also, I want to apologize for the lack of a more recent blog, I'll try to remain a little more consistent. 

I'm also open to topic suggestions, so if you have something you want me to talk about all you have to do is let me know!

C Students in Life, Giver Uppers, and Homeless People! The Triple Threat.

Let's talk about homeless people, rather: you read this. There are tons and tons of homeless people. A lot of them try to sell you random stuff like hand-made paintings, I mean some of them have kind of cool stuff, but a lot of them are just homeless people. They're always there, and so many of them are harassing people for cash or something. A part of me feels bad for them, but at the same time, if you're going to spend your entire day harassing people, why not switch it to doing something productive. And I can't, obviously, hate these people because there are some that really did just fall on hard-times or they got into drugs and it just tore their life apart. And I got through these phases in life where I just want to help everyone, but there are also times where I just think "forget it." What in my mind defines a person? It's not just their successes, it's not just their life, but rather how they have bounced back from when life $#!^ on them. It bothers me, and I want to move on from homeless people. Homeless people are homeless people.

When you, in your life, hit a hard patch -what do you do? Do you give up? Because then your that kind of person. Do you persevere? Then your that kind of person. Or do you just wade through it? You know, it's still there. You're that kind of person. Those are the kind of people that are in the world. And life does that to you a lot. Life dumps on you a lot. I've had to bounce back so many times. Many a times, I didn't really bounce back. I was just bottom feeding. I was wading through life. And that's the thing - I'm not better than anyone. Most of my successes were because I kept trying even though I was failing half the time. You just have to keep trying. I realize that I can fail every now and again, that I can make mistakes. I just try not to make a habit of it. I don't just give up because that's the kind of person I am. A lot of the things and the way I am is because I see things that I do not like. I share how I share because I see all these two-faced liars. That just lie straight to peoples' faces about who they are because they feel bad about it, or they know people will look down upon them. So I try to stay as honest as possible and I try to work as hard as possible. I've been around people who are just so, so, so lazy, and I always think if I'm that person then someone's going to feel that way about me.

We have opportunities that we may not get again, so let's do everything we can. Let's have fun, try new things, let's take the chance while we can. Internet people are not special, we're not complicated. We're everyone. You know? Use your chances. It's like that Eminem song that wasn't about killing and raping his wife. The one about achieving your dreams.

When people complain about anything in life, just remember the world is filled with C students. Now, there is no reason to be offended, and no, it's not an elitist comment of academic grades not meaning anything. What I mean is C students in life. The people that can, but don't. Not the people that bust their backs and they get a C. You busted your ass on a test, and got a C. Maybe you're not a good test taker, I don't know. But when you half-ass your way to mediocrity - I can't respect that. At all. At all, at all.

I hope this doesn't come off as "Cameron hates homeless people." I don't hate homeless people, I just love people who bounce back. Yeah, be that person.

I plan to blog again. Somewhere soon, and stuff. Also, I'd love to know what you guys think about this. I'd like to know what your most interested about in all this is.

"Love Yourself Even Though You Suck at Life"

A lot of what we try and do is emotion based. Most of the good stuff in my life is, literally, because I was desperate or because I was angry. All the good stuff in my life is essentially from being an angry person. For me, a lot of the stuff has been trying to be all about "the good stuff." You know, like, I'm wanting to change my life, a little, because of all the nay-sayers. People say, "You can't do it." You just say, "Forget you, yes I can." And yeah, that helps a lot but at the end of the day, everything can't be simply because of something negative. It has to also be something that makes you feel good, and that while you're doing it, you think that it's worth it. I'm trying to mature essentially. Yeah, you know? Things, stuff, words, whatever.

The main thing I want to stress is something that I'm trying to learn myself. Everything in your life doesn't have to be because people picked on you or blah, blah, blah. It's also because you love yourself. Love yourself. It's a hard thing. I still don't love myself. I constantly feel like my "success" is unwarranted. I don't feel like I deserve a lot of the good things in my life. I'm not the best person. It's a weird self-guilt.

If you've heard Bo Burnham's new song "Art is Dead," it just hits me exactly where my mind is. It's this weird feeling of guilt, and I know that I have to get past it because I know that I haven't worked hard for my "success." I mean, I work hard to avoid failures or limit those failures.

I guess the main thing, if you really want to cut to the chase the thing I'm trying to say is: Love yourself because you deserve it even if other people don't see it.

Re-Introduction

Hi (hey!)

So I've wanted to write for a while now, and I thought what better way to write than to let other people know what I think. Dangerous, I know, but doesn't it just sound so exciting to be exposed! To, you know, let people know the inner clockwork that is my mind?

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Cameron, what on Earth could possibly interest you enough to write?" And to that I say... I don't know. I plan on having this just be about anything that matters to me on a specific day. With that, let's get going!

I read an article earlier today about the gay teenager that killed himself over the whole webcam exposer thing. I saw a response that said:

"Today, 10000 kids died from hunger. Do I care about this drama? 1 death - tragic drama. 10000 deaths - statistics. Long live humanity." 

And yes, that is absolutely correct. That is how people perceive the death of one person versus a tragedy of 10000+ people. Now, the reason being is it's a lot easier to put yourself in the shoes of one person. Another (fairly) recent example would be Greg Giraldo the 44 comedian died of an overdose of prescription drugs. Hearing the story of one man, I can instantly imagine, somewhat, what it would be like to be that person. People who have experienced it can sympathize, but I instantly see Greg as a person that was too smart for his own good. And I understand it, I get it.

And I think about the gay college kid that ended his life because he had zero privacy, and, again, I sympathize. Not because I can relate to being in the closet, despite what some of you may think. But I understand what it's like to be out there, and even being out there I like my secrets. I like having something to myself. I know that might sound silly because that would be like Michael Moore talking about how ridiculous it is that people are obese.

I'm part of that situation. I'm a self-involved, self-important person. But I feel like being part of it allows me to say, "Yes, that is correct person on the internet. Privacy in the United States does not exist." Now, for the most part, it is a self-inflicted problem. I'm part of the "look at me!" generation. "Hit me up on twitter!"

I went to school with a bunch of people who never really paid attention to me except for the kids that huddled around, you know, during lunch time, and played Magic the Gathering. Who would also say that I, "wasn't tapping the card correctly" and would "uber pwn me with their white deck." So I group up wishing that in someway I would be important to someone else because maybe it would make me real. And it's still something I can't fully get my mind around. It bothers me.

It bothers me that George Lopez, as of recently, is getting a divorce from his wife of 17 years. It bothers me even more that George Lopez got a kidney transplant from his future ex-wife. That saved his life. And I can look at that situation and go, "Wow! How would I act in that situation?" Would I have giant George Lopez balls to divorce the woman that saved my life?

Now I feel that half the reason people watch the news, the shows, or anything is because they want to feel something, they want to learn something, they want to relate or hate something. And as a generation, that's who we are. A majority of us are over-sharers that do so because we want to feel something. It boggles my mind that there is such a thing as "auto-facebooking your foursquare-twitter." Yeah, that's a real thing. 

What's sad is that with the stories that we see is despite all that we share, very rarely do we come closer to someone or something else that is shouting out into the wind to the world will once again reinforce that you don't matter. Until you realize that it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, as long as you are you.

So I think the main moral of all these stories is that George Lopez is a terrible human being who has never really been funny. OR life sometimes makes you wonder would you rather be the one tragic death or one of the ten-thousand. Because in life and death, you're usually one of the two and both have their perks and their downsides.